A Good Man in Africa

A movie that satirically mixes British diplomatic idiocy and Third World corruption should have the fizzy kick of a gin and tonic. Unfortunately, A Good Man in Africa,
the latest film by Australian director Bruce Beresford (Driving Miss Daisy), serves up flat, warm cola as it meanders pointlessly to its obvious conclusion. The movie's attempts at dry, cynical wit have all the bite of a toothless old dog, while its jabs at post-colonial African politics consist mostly of stereotypical English attitudes toward any country that has too many consonants in its name.

Colin Friels plays a mid-level English diplomat, a secretary to the West African nation of Kinjanja. He's a burned-out government employee who devotes most of his time to sex and drinking, activities he interrupts only with occasional bursts of sarcastic monologue about everyone he knows. His embassy is the kind that, normally, would be most noted for the staff's soiled white suits. In this case, however, it receives a bit more respect due to the fact the Kinjanja possesses rich oil reserves along its shoreline.

Friels is sent to work on Professor Adekunle (Louis Gossett Jr.), the man most likely to emerge as president in the country's upcoming election. Likewise, Adekunle goes to work on Friels, for the seemingly noble scholar has a bad case of dictatorial ambition. He wants to own the country — literally. The only thing standing in his way is the movie title's "good man" — Sean Connery, who plays a Scottish version of Mother Theresa with a nine-par handicap.

Beresford, who forayed into Africa previously with the equally empty-headed film Mr. Johnson, seems to think that his Academy Award for Driving Miss Daisy made him an expert on race relations. Unfortunately, he doesn't know enough to quit when he's not ahead.

Timecop

Not many actors look impressive while leg-splitting over a sink in boxer shorts. That's one accolade Jean-Claude Van Damme wins hands down, er, feet up as the case may be. Most amazing, the seams of his shorts don't tear. I think I understand what is meant by the phrase "star power." It's all in the BVDs.

Come to the think of it, it's a major plot point in Timecop that Van Damme survives an assassination attempt in 1994 because he was wearing a Kelvar vest for an undershirt. I thought this movie was about time travel, but I'm beginning to detect another theme.

Van Damme's wife (Mia Sara) was not wearing any underwear when she was killed. This puts the guy with the million-dollar kickboxing legs into a royal snit 'til the year 2004. It's a good thing he joined the Time Enforcement Commission (TEC). He might get a chance to go back and change the past. Besides, Sara has second-billing on the credits, demanding that she have more than a five-minute appearance.

It seems that TEC was secretly formed in the 1990s when a crackpot scientist from the Star Wars program discovered time travel. When the government realizes the danger of people going back to loot old movies for ideas, they quickly create a police force to cruise the space/time continuum for felons and really good doughnuts. (The cream puffs really were much better in the' 50s.)

Ron Silver is put at the head of the Senate committee in charge of the TEC. Since Silver manages to combine the warmth of Bob Dole with the strict ethical standards of Richard Nixon, it's a safe bet that he's the villain of the movie. Strangely, his main ambition is to steal from the past in order to buy the presidency in 2004. The plot has a dopey, desperate feel to it. Or else Silver is a Democrat, in which case he is simply being pragmatic.

He and Van Damme whisk back to 1994, and old JC gets a second chance to save his wife. He also gets a chance to beat the stuffings out of lots of bad guys, though Van Damme should have started with the screenwriters. Timecop doesn't make a whole lot of sense, past or future. It also fails to achieve the oddball emotional touch that it reaches for during the last stretch. Instead, the movie ends up all kicks and no heart.

But I still want to know where the guy buys his shorts.

Guarding Tess

Being the First Lady isn't easy. But according to Guarding Tess, being a former First Lady is even worse. After all, with all of those snoopy, gun-waving Secret Service agents around, how is she supposed to get any shopping done? And what about the lousy treatment she gets from the president? He owes his career to her late husband, but the big lug still can't show up to the dedication of the presidential library.

Worse still, this former First Lady is stuck in central Ohio, Cripes! Jackie O. got New York and the jet set scene. Even Nancy Reagan got Rodeo Drive. What does this lady get? Sawmill Road?

Actually, that's about the sum of Guarding Tess. The movie has a few funny moments, a couple of cheap attempts at heart-string tugging and a very ill-conceived thriller plot line near its end. It's not exactly a Grumpy Old First Ladies, but Walter Matthau might have been an improvement in the title role.

Not that Shirley MacLaine is bad. To the contrary - she's too good for the part. She even manages to breath some life into this borderline caricature of an elderly widow who has nothing better to do with her time than tyrannize the Secret Service men who protect her, She's supposed to be a wounded soul full of strong, unbending ideals, but as the role is written, the character comes across as a petty egotist who needs relatively powerless people whom she can safely shove around.

Not that Nicolas Cage isn't shovable. As the head Secret Service agent assigned to this detail, he gives a flat performance as an uptight yup who's mostly concerned about his career stagnating in a dead-end job in mid-Ohio, Eventually, he comes to an understanding of MacLaine's eccentric behavior — but I still think that she should have just slugged him. If nothing else, it would have juiced up the movie.

It's no surprise that Guarding Tess plays like the set-up for a sit-com. Director Hugh Wilson is a far better producer of TV fare than he is a filmmaker. Perhaps he needs to realize that there isn't anything wrong with doing TV; Wilson is wasting his talents on the big screen.

And yes, Guarding Tess is the movie that, in theory, takes place in and around Columbus, but which was actually filmed in and around Baltimore, But that's not so surprising; many parts of Baltimore bear a striking resemblance to Parsons Avenue. It's a natural as a stand-in.