Timecop

Not many actors look impressive while leg-splitting over a sink in boxer shorts. That's one accolade Jean-Claude Van Damme wins hands down, er, feet up as the case may be. Most amazing, the seams of his shorts don't tear. I think I understand what is meant by the phrase "star power." It's all in the BVDs.

Come to the think of it, it's a major plot point in Timecop that Van Damme survives an assassination attempt in 1994 because he was wearing a Kelvar vest for an undershirt. I thought this movie was about time travel, but I'm beginning to detect another theme.

Van Damme's wife (Mia Sara) was not wearing any underwear when she was killed. This puts the guy with the million-dollar kickboxing legs into a royal snit 'til the year 2004. It's a good thing he joined the Time Enforcement Commission (TEC). He might get a chance to go back and change the past. Besides, Sara has second-billing on the credits, demanding that she have more than a five-minute appearance.

It seems that TEC was secretly formed in the 1990s when a crackpot scientist from the Star Wars program discovered time travel. When the government realizes the danger of people going back to loot old movies for ideas, they quickly create a police force to cruise the space/time continuum for felons and really good doughnuts. (The cream puffs really were much better in the' 50s.)

Ron Silver is put at the head of the Senate committee in charge of the TEC. Since Silver manages to combine the warmth of Bob Dole with the strict ethical standards of Richard Nixon, it's a safe bet that he's the villain of the movie. Strangely, his main ambition is to steal from the past in order to buy the presidency in 2004. The plot has a dopey, desperate feel to it. Or else Silver is a Democrat, in which case he is simply being pragmatic.

He and Van Damme whisk back to 1994, and old JC gets a second chance to save his wife. He also gets a chance to beat the stuffings out of lots of bad guys, though Van Damme should have started with the screenwriters. Timecop doesn't make a whole lot of sense, past or future. It also fails to achieve the oddball emotional touch that it reaches for during the last stretch. Instead, the movie ends up all kicks and no heart.

But I still want to know where the guy buys his shorts.