Floating in the Post-Oscar Debris

 First published March 6, 2013

The words “boobs” and “Academy Awards” have often appeared together in a sentence. Normally we have meant the non-anatomical meaning of boobs.

But not this year. In a pitch to a younger demographic audience model, the Oscar presentation went on a bumpy joy ride combining its usual institutional blandness with an occasional bitch slap at the audience. I don’t mean the TV audience. I mean the fancy-dressed folks sitting for more than three and a half hours like hostages in the Dolby Theatre.

I am not particularly interested in debating Seth MacFarlane’s handling of the hosting duties at the Oscars. Hosting this show has to be one of the most thankless jobs around. An Oscar host is expected to be a toothless court jester. They are suppose to spoof the business but not the egos as they provide biting commentary but only so long as they lack either bark or bite. No wonder Billy Crystal doesn’t want the lousy job.

To be honest, MacFarlane was better than David Letterman. But then, a colonoscopy was funnier than Letterman. Of course, I also thought that Chris Rock did a swell job back in 2005, so I am not speaking from a mainstream Academy perspective.

However, the fallout from this year’s Oscar presentation has been a singular spectacle. Granted, every Oscar show has its controversies, things like, “How did the movie Crash ever get nominated, less alone win” etc. But this past week most press reports have been so obsessed with women’s breasts and Anne Hathaway’s nipples, I’m beginning to confuse the Oscars with lunch at Hooters.

Some of the controversies we can cut through real quick. Yes, the “I Saw Your Boobs” song-and-dance bit was demeaning, insulting, and just plain rude. It was also quite infantile and might have worked better in Mad Magazine. I assume that the appearance of the Los Angeles Gay Men’s Chorus was meant as an extra dash of hip irony, but it mostly came off as a bad snarky night at Circus Disco.

The routine might have been salvageable if they’d had the gall to take it further, like maybe a nifty number about leading men and their dick size. Based upon her past comments, Dame Judi Dench might have been willing to present. Sure, it would be rude and crude, but fair is fair…. And I hear she brings her own tape measure.

As for Anne Hathaway’s nipples, enough already. With the cut of the grown she was wearing, it would be almost impossible to tell what was cloth and what wasn’t. Besides, I am a very old fashioned kind of guy who firmly believes that type of display goes with a cover charge and a two-drink minimum. If it is taken outside of that context, I am left confused.

But a taste for misogyny was epidemic this year. The controversy over The Onion tweet concerning nominee Quvenzhané Wallis was tangential to the broadcast, yet in a crude way it highlighted the hostility of the evening. Personally, I have a rule about leaving children out of the line of fire.

Also, various mouthpieces for the Right Wing are outraged that Michelle Obama was allowed to announce the winner for Best Picture. I even heard one of these chaps claim she violated the sanctity of the Academy. The what?  The Academy is not a church and it has never had any sanctity. Besides, the intrusion of political figures into the Oscars is not exactly new. Laura Bush presented a little pep talk back at the 2002 Oscars about what movies meant to her. Just one of so many so-called magical moments I am still trying to forget.

But, still it was odd that they trusted the First Lady with one of those semi-precious and all so secret envelopes. Especially with her being off-site and all. Personally, I have always had my doubts about the level of secrecy surrounding those envelopes. It is just possible that the Secret Service is capable of handling the job (despite some of the recent scandals).

On the other hand, 2013 seems to have been the year for the off-site approach. Even the orchestra was somewhere down the road at Capital Studios. In my experience with musicians working a gig, you never want to leave them so thoroughly unchaperoned. To my point, they started off the evening playing Jaws theme as a cut off signal to long winded acceptance speeches. By 10pm, I half expected the band to shift to a funky riff on Hit the Road Jack.

Maybe the orchestra was offsite because they had ticked off somebody in the international Jewish conspiracy who secretly runs Hollywood. First off, let me point out that there really isn’t such a conspiracy. Honest to God, there really isn’t. I don’t care what that foul-mouthed teddy bear says. Beyond that, I would just as soon let the Anti-Defamation League  handle this one (and between Ted and Joan Rivers, I suspect they have their hands full). But I must admit that the last time a so-called comedy routine was derived from The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the punchline turned into World War Two.

These incidents (and many others yet to be noted) signify that we have just survived the single most mean- spirited Academy Awards show in history. By the time the evening had wrapped up with Kristen Chenoweth and Seth MacFarlane singing a final back-handed dig at the losers, some of the attendees were probably ready for a long hot bath and a stiff drink for recovery.

Can’t blame them this time. It was a rough night, especially for anyone who wasn’t a young white guy. So I tell you what, why don’t we just bring back Chris Rock. At least he has more diversity in his insults.