Rumor has it that mad scientists have taken control of Disney Pictures. According to these reports, they are stitching together the plot lines of old movies and attempting to artificially inject life into the gruesome monsters that they've created in their labs. The results are savage, lumbering beasts lacking both heart and soul.
After seeing Blank Check, I firmly believe these tales. It should also be noted that the twisted creatures from the mouse factory are also lacking a brain. Maybe that's why these dismal failures come lurching toward us every week in such blind ignorance of their inevitable demise.
And the scary part is that Blank Check isn't even the worst of the lot. It's god awful, but Disney has recently produced even worse flicks. The really horrible thing is that this wretched movie about greedy, dumb kids who one-up greedy, dumb adults just might score some greedy, dumb bucks at the box office. After all, it's a clone of Home Alone — minus the sentimentality of the original.
Miguel Ferrer emasculates himself in the humiliating role of a stupid crook who accidentally hands a kid (Brian Bonsall) a blank check after backing over the tike's bike. Bonsall proceeds to clean out the million dollars that Ferrer has stashed away in a bank account. With so much dough burning massive holes in his pockets, the little nipper goes on the biggest spending spree since Reagan trickled down the economy. Ferrer is furious. He was saving the money for a decent haircut.
I told you, these scientists are mad. They've actually created a movie that makes me nostalgic for The Parent Trap. Perhaps it's time for a band of torch-bearing peasants to attack the walls of the Magic Kingdom. Baron von FrankenDisney must be stopped.
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